Off Track

It's so easy to get "off track". You can be right where you think you're supposed to be one moment.. Centered, balanced, looking at life from the "right perspective" OOmmmmm....

And then the next moment you're flying by the seat of your pants, living for the next good feeling and searching for a quick fix to take you back to a place where you thought you were supposed to be.

I feel like the further I pull away from that place of balance (less of me- more of God) the more lost in the wilderness and hopeless I feel. Getting off track often means loosing sight of your purpose which can make you feel like a disciple drowning in search of a holy life raft or like a coward sitting in the pit of a whale's stomach.

And how many others get more critical (than normal) when we aren't where, what and who we're supposed to be? When I'm off track I can't think right, can't communicate right, can't eat right, can't pray right, can't move right... Without a realized purpose in front of us, we start to rot from the inside out starting with our internal compass and nothing is more scary than when you're lost and behind you there is nothing to go back too and in front of you there's only darkness and that lingering feeling of despair.

Depressing huh? Well this afternoon my crow sounded three times and I yet again had to find a way to forgive myself for being so distracted, weak willed and self oriented. I have to accept that I will never deserve God's mercy but I just have to just receive it. The sooner I stop trying to clean myself up and find some new level of discipline on my own, the sooner I can be embraced by true love and begin to love myself despite of myself again. It's hard because our pasts can be so dark and so ugly that we can't even comprehend why anyone, let alone God would forgive us. But God doesn't love like the world loves. The world's love is conditional and fleeting. God's love is everlasting and penetrating. We can't fully fathom this kind of love and mercy and we definitely can't earn this kind of love and mercy. Forgive yourself daily. Love yourself daily. I've accepted it... Jesus is God therefore the bondage of bad feelings and self pity don't apply to me anymore. If that does'nt stir some life in you then maybe this Bible verse will..

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Ephesians 3:20-21

ADD at its finest

I forgot I had a blog. HA!


I was diligently poking around my computer files and saw these blog entry drafts and that's when I realized... I started yet another thing that couldn't finish. I should be disappointed but it's just too funny.


So a quick wrap up of my YEAR....


I served in AmeriCorps for a year.
I'm serving a second year working on a more international level with a pretty prominent non profit.
I live and work in ATL..
I'm not in law school!


Yep that's about it. Still the same single distracted black women of faith I was when I last wrote.


Whether you believe this or not... I'm excited to find this blog and continue with it... I was contemplating starting a new personal blog... Kind of like this one. Nice to know I can save myself the trouble of reintroducing myself and explaining my sporadic mental blessings. Wouldn't have it any other way. Hello again Blogger! I'M BACK (for now)!! ;)

The Ick Epidemic

Sooo I have a 30 gallon fish tank with 4 huge goldfish. In case anyone knows the difference between goldfish; 2 fantails named Mario and Luigi a black moor named Malcolm and a comet black moor mix named Tina the diva. On December 31st Mario the biggest of them all around 4 inches long passed. Luigi passed on the second and followed by Tina and Malcolm who just passed today on the third. I used to have a dog who I love very much. His name is Mandela. After I had to give Mandela to my best friend because the apartment I lived in ruled him too large, these fish served as my "pets". I spoiled them buying special food cutting up veggies that they enjoyed, even getting special rocks and plants for them to enjoy. I had them for a year and now they are all gone. I know they are just fish but I had them during a really rough year and I lived alone so... I guess they meant more to me than your typical fish.
What makes things worse is its my fault they're dead. I added water in their tank then added the water treatment like I always did. But this time the water had a bacteria that gave them ick. They slowly died off unable to use their dorsal fins that were slowly being eaten away by this deadly fish disease. I take full responsibility but I can't help but wonder how clean our drinking water is. That water was straight from the tap and even though it should have been treated before entering the tank, it was chlorine that is usually dangerous, not ick. Ick is usually spread from one newly introduced sick fish to the next... I'm not drinking the water here in Apex anymore. I miss my babies :( Yeah I said it my babies! May they rest in porcelain peace.

New Years

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Just now getting home and its definitely 2:55am. We wouldn't have it any other way. Actually, I could have came back earlier but anyway

I know I've grown up because I look at the world differently each year. I'm approaching life in a way that allows me to plug into the world around me without drowning. I'm growing in the Lord God and learning to lean on him and not other people. God doesn't answer prayers exactly like I ask him. In his own way things just work out his way and I'm happy because of that. I'm gonna post this blog and hit the sac because I am beyond tired. I'm gonna sleep regroup and maybe say what I mean with a well rested mind. Night or should I say Good morning 2010!!!

So here I am. Take me

So here I am. It's 12:27am and I'm writing my very first blog. This random inconvenient time suites me though. My best ideas often come too late or too big to be feasible but nonetheless here I am!

I'm not sure what I'm going to get out of this. I don't know if this will be therapeutic or inspirational or even interesting to others. I don't expect to have many followers or anything like that but the perfect chaos that resonates through out my life is far to wonderful to keep in my head. Speaking of keeping things in my head... I can't. I've had ADD since I discovered I could turn my head. Everything is multi dimensional and colorful and has a beginning and a purpose and there are far too many things to think about all at the same time. I hope this blog can be focused enough not to drive the few followers I may or may have not have completely and utterly mad. So here I am. Take me.

The end of the year is here and once again its time to make promises and resolutions that usually last me until February. Eat less, exercise more, be more patient, be kinder, be positive, pray more, make the next step in my big life plan. Next year I'm going to be more realistic starting with my resolutions. I will eat and exercise according to what I want to look like. I will try not to focus on the people I need patience for which I hope will make me kinder and more positive. I will schedule prayers in my daily calendar right next to: make the next step in my life plan and get my hair done before I begin to scare the neighbors.
The thing is, I believe I've become a mindless reactor going through the list of reasonable responses required to getting by. I hear an alarm I wake up. Rent is due so I work. I want a good reference for my resume so I show up to work on time. Sometimes I wonder deep deep down if nothing happened to me for me to react to if I'd do anything? Before I run the risk of sorting through the reason of life at now 12:55am I will say I do believe I would hang out with my family if I had no other engagements. I'd sit at the dinner table with them and laugh till no sound comes out my up turned head. I'd meet a young man who would love to be my cooking guinea pig and get married and have my own family so they could come home for dinner and laugh till no sound comes out. My husband and I would travel and learn new things about the world you can only know by being there and be inspired by what we see. I'd get old and gray and share memories and knowledge about things people can barely conceive. That's what I'd do. I'd react to the things that I dream about. Maybe I should pencil that in to my schedule too... Right after getting my hair done...