Happy

Happy is a funny word...
Seriously think about it... HAPPY
I guess it exists somewhere between Joy and Goofy?

The first two letters make me want to laugh
the last three make me wanna laugh till I gotta... You know
It's just a silly sounding word that's all and all it's rhymes sound silly too

For such a funny word we use it everyday even on the bad ones....
I just want you to be happy, happy to be home, happily married
What does that mean?

Is it fun? Is it bliss? Is it contentment? Is it the same as Joy?
Is happy what Jesus meant by life more abundantly?
Or is it stern like... Life and the pursuit of happiness

I think if happiness were a food... It would be whipped cream
The sweet kind... Not the nasty stuff that's supposed to "calm down the sweetness"
You know, the kind you spray into your mouth like a greedy sticky fingered big kid

I digress...

Is it comfortable like the perfect corner in a sofa? Or awkward like a tickle to the neck?
Maybe it's both and the giggles that we hear are expressions of our inner child
Who know nothing besides happy and not

Is happy a place? Or a status?
And once you get there? How do you stay?
Action or reaction? Is it a chemical imbalance? Are some more prone to it than others?

Happy is such a funny word... We can feel hundreds of sad things and still hold on to it
Whether we loose so much or gain so much we search for it constantly
In others, in our minds, in drugs, our situations, in God

I think some confuse happiness with freedom thinking let me just be and I'll have it
But could happiness only exist when there is freedom? And then the search begins?
Do we choose it with our hearts with our minds with our being or does it choose us when we're ready?

It means so much to so many but sounds so darn silly
and maybe that's the point?
Maybe happy is everything wonderful wrapped in silly paper

I'll take two... sigh*
HAPPY
... What a funny word

That's My Love for You

I can't sum up my love for you in a paragraph or poem or song

I can't recreate the picture in my mind of us being together again

The chills up my spine I get everytime I relive our embrace are just words on a page

and no matter how much I highlight, bold or italisize.... The result is the same and falls short of what you deserve


So I crumble up paper after paper littering the floor with my failed attempts at telling how I feel

Scribbiling out words too weak, too shallow, too arbitrary to describe your wonderful

Scraping the deepest crevises of my heart searching for a kind of perfection that I can offer to you...

Nothing is enough... I just love you.

I love you like my lungs love to breathe, like my heart loves to beat like my eyes love to see

I love you like its all I know how to do

I love you like a bird loves her nest, like a fish loves the sea like the stars love the night

I love you like you're home

Like the hands on God's watch, like the beauty of the angels like the universe rolls into heaven above

I love you like i'll never stop

I just love you with my whole heart and its as simple as that.... As pure I know how to express... As much as God has allowed me to give to another

That's my love for you

My gift

It's a precious gift wrapped in all your favorite colors... But it’s not yours to open
So you pick it up, you shake it and imagine what incredible secrets lay deep inside
Day dreaming of the endless possibilities if it was your name on the card, wishing, praying
Wondering why you couldn't have been sent such a beautiful gift
Why you don't deserve wonders and sweet happiness for yourself

It's the perfect line that just doesn't fit in your life's poem
The exhale releasing all your tension and anxiety
It's the warmth you always wanted but you're scorching already
The cool breeze you prayed to God for but it’s freezing right now
It's a precious gift wrapped in everything you've ever wanted... But you turn and walk away because
It's already hidden deep inside your pocket :)

Off Track

It's so easy to get "off track". You can be right where you think you're supposed to be one moment.. Centered, balanced, looking at life from the "right perspective" OOmmmmm....

And then the next moment you're flying by the seat of your pants, living for the next good feeling and searching for a quick fix to take you back to a place where you thought you were supposed to be.

I feel like the further I pull away from that place of balance (less of me- more of God) the more lost in the wilderness and hopeless I feel. Getting off track often means loosing sight of your purpose which can make you feel like a disciple drowning in search of a holy life raft or like a coward sitting in the pit of a whale's stomach.

And how many others get more critical (than normal) when we aren't where, what and who we're supposed to be? When I'm off track I can't think right, can't communicate right, can't eat right, can't pray right, can't move right... Without a realized purpose in front of us, we start to rot from the inside out starting with our internal compass and nothing is more scary than when you're lost and behind you there is nothing to go back too and in front of you there's only darkness and that lingering feeling of despair.

Depressing huh? Well this afternoon my crow sounded three times and I yet again had to find a way to forgive myself for being so distracted, weak willed and self oriented. I have to accept that I will never deserve God's mercy but I just have to just receive it. The sooner I stop trying to clean myself up and find some new level of discipline on my own, the sooner I can be embraced by true love and begin to love myself despite of myself again. It's hard because our pasts can be so dark and so ugly that we can't even comprehend why anyone, let alone God would forgive us. But God doesn't love like the world loves. The world's love is conditional and fleeting. God's love is everlasting and penetrating. We can't fully fathom this kind of love and mercy and we definitely can't earn this kind of love and mercy. Forgive yourself daily. Love yourself daily. I've accepted it... Jesus is God therefore the bondage of bad feelings and self pity don't apply to me anymore. If that does'nt stir some life in you then maybe this Bible verse will..

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Ephesians 3:20-21

ADD at its finest

I forgot I had a blog. HA!


I was diligently poking around my computer files and saw these blog entry drafts and that's when I realized... I started yet another thing that couldn't finish. I should be disappointed but it's just too funny.


So a quick wrap up of my YEAR....


I served in AmeriCorps for a year.
I'm serving a second year working on a more international level with a pretty prominent non profit.
I live and work in ATL..
I'm not in law school!


Yep that's about it. Still the same single distracted black women of faith I was when I last wrote.


Whether you believe this or not... I'm excited to find this blog and continue with it... I was contemplating starting a new personal blog... Kind of like this one. Nice to know I can save myself the trouble of reintroducing myself and explaining my sporadic mental blessings. Wouldn't have it any other way. Hello again Blogger! I'M BACK (for now)!! ;)

The Ick Epidemic

Sooo I have a 30 gallon fish tank with 4 huge goldfish. In case anyone knows the difference between goldfish; 2 fantails named Mario and Luigi a black moor named Malcolm and a comet black moor mix named Tina the diva. On December 31st Mario the biggest of them all around 4 inches long passed. Luigi passed on the second and followed by Tina and Malcolm who just passed today on the third. I used to have a dog who I love very much. His name is Mandela. After I had to give Mandela to my best friend because the apartment I lived in ruled him too large, these fish served as my "pets". I spoiled them buying special food cutting up veggies that they enjoyed, even getting special rocks and plants for them to enjoy. I had them for a year and now they are all gone. I know they are just fish but I had them during a really rough year and I lived alone so... I guess they meant more to me than your typical fish.
What makes things worse is its my fault they're dead. I added water in their tank then added the water treatment like I always did. But this time the water had a bacteria that gave them ick. They slowly died off unable to use their dorsal fins that were slowly being eaten away by this deadly fish disease. I take full responsibility but I can't help but wonder how clean our drinking water is. That water was straight from the tap and even though it should have been treated before entering the tank, it was chlorine that is usually dangerous, not ick. Ick is usually spread from one newly introduced sick fish to the next... I'm not drinking the water here in Apex anymore. I miss my babies :( Yeah I said it my babies! May they rest in porcelain peace.

New Years

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Just now getting home and its definitely 2:55am. We wouldn't have it any other way. Actually, I could have came back earlier but anyway

I know I've grown up because I look at the world differently each year. I'm approaching life in a way that allows me to plug into the world around me without drowning. I'm growing in the Lord God and learning to lean on him and not other people. God doesn't answer prayers exactly like I ask him. In his own way things just work out his way and I'm happy because of that. I'm gonna post this blog and hit the sac because I am beyond tired. I'm gonna sleep regroup and maybe say what I mean with a well rested mind. Night or should I say Good morning 2010!!!