And then the next moment you're flying by the seat of your pants, living for the next good feeling and searching for a quick fix to take you back to a place where you thought you were supposed to be.
I feel like the further I pull away from that place of balance (less of me- more of God) the more lost in the wilderness and hopeless I feel. Getting off track often means loosing sight of your purpose which can make you feel like a disciple drowning in search of a holy life raft or like a coward sitting in the pit of a whale's stomach.
And how many others get more critical (than normal) when we aren't where, what and who we're supposed to be? When I'm off track I can't think right, can't communicate right, can't eat right, can't pray right, can't move right... Without a realized purpose in front of us, we start to rot from the inside out starting with our internal compass and nothing is more scary than when you're lost and behind you there is nothing to go back too and in front of you there's only darkness and that lingering feeling of despair.
Depressing huh? Well this afternoon my crow sounded three times and I yet again had to find a way to forgive myself for being so distracted, weak willed and self oriented. I have to accept that I will never deserve God's mercy but I just have to just receive it. The sooner I stop trying to clean myself up and find some new level of discipline on my own, the sooner I can be embraced by true love and begin to love myself despite of myself again. It's hard because our pasts can be so dark and so ugly that we can't even comprehend why anyone, let alone God would forgive us. But God doesn't love like the world loves. The world's love is conditional and fleeting. God's love is everlasting and penetrating. We can't fully fathom this kind of love and mercy and we definitely can't earn this kind of love and mercy. Forgive yourself daily. Love yourself daily. I've accepted it... Jesus is God therefore the bondage of bad feelings and self pity don't apply to me anymore. If that does'nt stir some life in you then maybe this Bible verse will..
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Ephesians 3:20-21
